Tuesday, July 29, 2008


i thirst

to experience life

without being tied down

like a dog on a leash.

i thirst

and now my inner light dims

if I don't get out of this dark place

my light shall perish.

i thirst

to find my reason for being

to embark on a quest

leave everything behind me.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Eshi Otawara (Monday 21 July 2008) from ZoeConnolly on Vimeo.

Watch this video and you will know why I love Second Life. There are some things you really cannot create in the physical universe but in an alternate reality where the mind and heart has a playground, uninterrupted by prejudices, limitations, and disability..:)

Eshi did this in an hour, and in real life is an artist. Video is by Zoe Connolly.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

learning to stop listening

I believe i am a perfect specimen for a psychologist whose school of thought goes into the theory that most psychological problems come from parents, particularly, mothers. My situation and my current quest to fight off depression is an example of how one's mom can totally affect one's whole being.

I have found my downfall: I listen to my mother too much. Surprisingly, for a 29 year old i listen and follow her all the time, and despite of that, she wants to control me some more. My mother and I have this love-hate relationship in which i would blame everything to her being such a control freak that always gives in to her fears. It is like every time i attempt to get a semblance of a social life, she would remind me of the times I would "inconvenience" her and everyone else in the family.

All my life I would listen, sometimes even believing that I won't become more than who I can be, simply because my mother would say not to believe anyone else who would say I can be more, not to believe my own thinking that I could be more. She relishes the claim that she knows more about me than I can ever be, and tragically, I sometimes believe her. Who wouldn't, when she uses God and claims that He's on her side all the time?

I am not sure who else is as paranoid as she is, and who are the other women stuck in the habit of always pleasing their moms. It is a process that is deadly to one's personal growth and detrimental to becoming an individual. I find it really ironic that she would complain at how I can't be independent thinking, or that I still don't know what I want. How could I know or dare pursue them when in the process she would debunk them and fill my head with things that SHE would prefer to happen? 

This can't go on forever, for my wellness sake, and for HER sake as well. This has turned into something akin to a parasitic relationship in which the host would no longer supply the parasite's hunger and yearns to break free.

So on my birthday, I simply decided to no longer listen to her and to learn to listen to what my soul is saying inside of me. It will not be an easy task. time and time again I've told myself the same thing: Stop listening to your mother and be your own person. I hear my friends give me the same mantra, and my sister who has managed to tear herself from my mother's clutches cries for me to do the same thing. If you continue giving in to her whim, she eventually becomes a spoiled brat. Then a year would go by and another birthday, and with time fast becoming my enemy, this year, it's SERIOUSLY for real. True to my sister's warning, my mother has turned into this brat I have trouble controlling, I would have to learn how to re-wire my listening skills and to pretend to listen to her, and to learn how to listen to my own thoughts.

Thus probably why I should consider writing more as an attempt to free myself from the chains of my mother's psychological tyranny. Writing to me has always been a funnel, an empowering activity that enables me to think freely and express myself in a logical, clear manner. for months, I've written in my other persona, about other activities, about other people's experiences and how it affects them. perhaps it's high time to use my writing to fulfill another purpose, that of empowering myself into thinking freely and independently.

So now, oddly, I feel slightly more empowered. I have an option, and I choose to free myself.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


There are those who see their paths in life as early as childhood, focus on them and get what they want. They may or may not have it easy in life as they walk on the paths they have chosen, yet with their focus and determination they are able to jump past the hurdles that go their way.

Then there are those who stumble and have difficulty finding their path, and whenever that happens, they find themselves in a limbo, a rut in which they cannot get out of.

I belong to the latter. I continuously stumble and I have difficulty finding my true freedom. I have failed to shine as God's creation and I let my inner demons and other circumstances get in the way of seeking my path. I let others dictate my path and let them rule me by making me feel guilty for wanting to be free, able to define myself as someone who can be more than what they want or think of me to be.

Where is my path and what do I want in my life?

With my 29th birthday looming days away, I barely can see anything happening for the future. I know I'm somewhat healthy, so I don't see myself dying, but I don't really have something to look forward to, a reason to make me wake up in the morning. I don't have any real purpose that I can call my own. Something that really as in REALLY inspires me.

I used to have dreams, and now I don't know what they are. I used to know what I want but now I am largely ambivalent on many things.

How has it gotten this far? Time has flown by so fast and I still am in the same situation, and I can't get myself out of it, much as I want to. I've lost power,merely living on whatever I can get. 

My only recourse is sleep, and nowadays I have difficulty trying to wake myself up. Lethargy seeps in and takes over. Never felt something like this before.