Sunday, July 20, 2008

learning to stop listening

I believe i am a perfect specimen for a psychologist whose school of thought goes into the theory that most psychological problems come from parents, particularly, mothers. My situation and my current quest to fight off depression is an example of how one's mom can totally affect one's whole being.

I have found my downfall: I listen to my mother too much. Surprisingly, for a 29 year old i listen and follow her all the time, and despite of that, she wants to control me some more. My mother and I have this love-hate relationship in which i would blame everything to her being such a control freak that always gives in to her fears. It is like every time i attempt to get a semblance of a social life, she would remind me of the times I would "inconvenience" her and everyone else in the family.

All my life I would listen, sometimes even believing that I won't become more than who I can be, simply because my mother would say not to believe anyone else who would say I can be more, not to believe my own thinking that I could be more. She relishes the claim that she knows more about me than I can ever be, and tragically, I sometimes believe her. Who wouldn't, when she uses God and claims that He's on her side all the time?

I am not sure who else is as paranoid as she is, and who are the other women stuck in the habit of always pleasing their moms. It is a process that is deadly to one's personal growth and detrimental to becoming an individual. I find it really ironic that she would complain at how I can't be independent thinking, or that I still don't know what I want. How could I know or dare pursue them when in the process she would debunk them and fill my head with things that SHE would prefer to happen? 

This can't go on forever, for my wellness sake, and for HER sake as well. This has turned into something akin to a parasitic relationship in which the host would no longer supply the parasite's hunger and yearns to break free.

So on my birthday, I simply decided to no longer listen to her and to learn to listen to what my soul is saying inside of me. It will not be an easy task. time and time again I've told myself the same thing: Stop listening to your mother and be your own person. I hear my friends give me the same mantra, and my sister who has managed to tear herself from my mother's clutches cries for me to do the same thing. If you continue giving in to her whim, she eventually becomes a spoiled brat. Then a year would go by and another birthday, and with time fast becoming my enemy, this year, it's SERIOUSLY for real. True to my sister's warning, my mother has turned into this brat I have trouble controlling, I would have to learn how to re-wire my listening skills and to pretend to listen to her, and to learn how to listen to my own thoughts.

Thus probably why I should consider writing more as an attempt to free myself from the chains of my mother's psychological tyranny. Writing to me has always been a funnel, an empowering activity that enables me to think freely and express myself in a logical, clear manner. for months, I've written in my other persona, about other activities, about other people's experiences and how it affects them. perhaps it's high time to use my writing to fulfill another purpose, that of empowering myself into thinking freely and independently.

So now, oddly, I feel slightly more empowered. I have an option, and I choose to free myself.

Post a Comment