Wednesday, July 9, 2008

ambivalence

There are those who see their paths in life as early as childhood, focus on them and get what they want. They may or may not have it easy in life as they walk on the paths they have chosen, yet with their focus and determination they are able to jump past the hurdles that go their way.

Then there are those who stumble and have difficulty finding their path, and whenever that happens, they find themselves in a limbo, a rut in which they cannot get out of.

I belong to the latter. I continuously stumble and I have difficulty finding my true freedom. I have failed to shine as God's creation and I let my inner demons and other circumstances get in the way of seeking my path. I let others dictate my path and let them rule me by making me feel guilty for wanting to be free, able to define myself as someone who can be more than what they want or think of me to be.

Where is my path and what do I want in my life?

With my 29th birthday looming days away, I barely can see anything happening for the future. I know I'm somewhat healthy, so I don't see myself dying, but I don't really have something to look forward to, a reason to make me wake up in the morning. I don't have any real purpose that I can call my own. Something that really as in REALLY inspires me.

I used to have dreams, and now I don't know what they are. I used to know what I want but now I am largely ambivalent on many things.

How has it gotten this far? Time has flown by so fast and I still am in the same situation, and I can't get myself out of it, much as I want to. I've lost power,merely living on whatever I can get. 

My only recourse is sleep, and nowadays I have difficulty trying to wake myself up. Lethargy seeps in and takes over. Never felt something like this before.

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